I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
