i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
