I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
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your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
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my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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