I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
