I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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