I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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