where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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