My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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