You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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