I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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