It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
