so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
