Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
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so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
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I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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