fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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