there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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