they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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