Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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