It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
