so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
