I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
