Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
