you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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