Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
