alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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