I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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