I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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