didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
