Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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