Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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