Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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