Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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