Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
