I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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