Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
