Pappa wants mamma naked
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
