Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
