I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
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I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
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Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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