last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
