I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
