I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
