My hand turned me down
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
