Whoa Z and x make the same sound
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
