I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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