Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
