Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
