You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
