The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Oh god it's open bar.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
