why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
