the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
