Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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