FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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