Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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