Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
