How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
