The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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