I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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