If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
